one stilleto at a time

This is reality stuff - women earn less than men over their lifetimes and live longer. They are more likely to spend their golden years in poverty. Take a glance around and you know what I mean. Of course, we don't see bag ladies (homeless women who carry their belongings in shopping bags) in Brunei but we see some reduction in quality of life when a woman is widowed or divorced. It is a lesson to learn.

Women need to learn as early as possible that real life has no prince valiants to save them from poverty. Women should know the basics: spend less than you earn; pay yourself first. Know the virtues of an emergency fund; don't be debt-ridden; use your credit cards responsibly; have a moratorium on clothes-buying now and then and of course, as they say, "one stilleto at a time". Then, perhaps we will never worry about being bag ladies.

photo by: flickr

crossroads 2

In response to queries about why I painted my blog red - It is all so conscious, because red just reminds me of Christmas just as green signifies Hari Raya. It is not a subconscious signalling for a present (a red lipstick? no..no), a need for passion, nor does it mean anger or a flag for a sort of warning. Maybe, it was a desire for some colour in my otherwise wifey/mummy/grandmummy existence...

Then, today, I had a haircut - the sort that is drastic and naughty and nice. Sort of Conia-ish. And Meeza says, "you look great". Maybe, I don't need to see red anymore - and uhm...be at peace with the world again.

sensitivities

A Singapore tycoon pleaded guilty to illegally trying to procure a kidney for a tune of S$320,000. He will probably be punished with a three year sentence in jail but is too sick to be imprisoned.

Another Singaporean, a Chairman of a condominium estate was arrested for unlawfully gluing doors, mailboxes, keyholes of condos of residents.

A timber company in Sarawak thoughtlessly distributed packets of salt to Punan fire victims in Ulu Tatau, Central Sarawak.

Money can't buy happiness...or delicadeza.

the last 100 days

Our lives have gone on like the minute hands in our clocks. There's no stopping and pausing. My poignant wish was to take a time out and take stock of our lives and what we have been doing. I was being my thoughtful self - sort of looking in from the outside. Then, I realized there is a way to evaluate our lives. I would devise a summary of our lives every 100 days. So here it is for the last 100 days:

- led our lives with wry wit and humour
- ignored the Joneses
- confronted the unknown and the uncertainties
- wrote
- travelled some highways
- prayed and bared our souls
- wished for the stars

- came out of our shells

- broke out from our prisons
- did balancing acts
- fought for our rights
- cared for pets
- ate well
- rediscovered happiness in giving
- loved our parents, siblings, children and each other

Did you pause to think about your last 100 days?

riding the gravy train

Today, I learned a metaphor that would explain the leechi-ness and glue-like characteristics of some people. I am talking about pachyderms who go for free rides at the expense of others. Riding the gravy train is very much akin to parasitism plus insensitivity.

"To ride the gravy train" means to secure an ongoing situation that provides good pay or other benefits with little labor or trouble, the equivalent of "living on Easy Street." It may be that the phrase originated among hoboes and other vagabonds who hopped trains as a way of life and for whom "gravy train" would be a likely metaphor for an easy existence.

Just as in avoiding the drama queens, there is a way to rebuff these unwanted free-riders of the universe. Don't give them a hoot. Deworm your life. Watch your money like a hawk:).

many things

Stork news: My niece just had a beautiful baby girl and that means I am a Grandma four times over now (will be five times a Grandma later this year). LOL, I really enjoy this added investiture. Remember, a woman is not only one thing.

can i afford it?

On most weekends, I'd grab a chance to watch the "Can I Afford It?" segment of the Suze Orman show on CNBC. I enjoy the show because of the tongue-lashing that she gives to callers - she is so "mataray" and raises her eyebrows so high, your guilt over overspending just oozes from your pores. I would mentally guess what her verdict would be by the look of her and would race with her pronouncements of DENIED!!! Denied - is what is always the case (nine out of ten). You can't be buying things when you have enormous mortgages, when you have credit card debts as high as a mountain or when your savings are zilch!

rebel no more

One of the pluses of a good marriage, I think is the calming effect that it gives a couple. Most of the time, the both of you go on agreeing together on things that concern your children's welfare whatever the means and the methods. I used to put my foot down, protest with all my might, against traditions, superstitions and any folk-isms that may creep in our lives, e.g., the fatalistic "kapunan", etc. But, when you see the confident faces, the bravery, the sense that everything will work out well for the family, I can now and then, go along with the tide and get used to those pseudo-rituals. A good marriage works like a covenant. It mostly deals with peacemaking - and trust and faith on both sides.

roti kosong

One of the challenges of aging is metabolic slow down. It means that no matter how less you eat, the weight never loses off. The renowned health institution, John Hopkins Medicine gives these tips:

To quicken metabolism - Eat more frequently. Does that mean we are at liberty to do midnight noshing? Does that mean we can sleep late ala ramadhan nights? Au contraire! John Hopkins says you must get enough sleep to bolster metabolic rate. Non-sleepers gain weight more than tight dreamers. Have enough sleep!! Don't eat after seven pm says Oprah and look at her, Ms Svelte.

John Hopkins also says, eat your breakfast. It quick starts metabolism after sleep. Skipping breakfast lets your body store energy in the form of fat. Eat lean meat. It gets you more mileage than eating carbs and fat. Move around a lot. Fidget if you must. One more tip: exercise frequently and do strength training. You build up muscles, you burn more calories. (Simply said than done, hee hee).

There is of course a warning: Don’t take supplements which tout weight loss (fact is they do but with side effects). They may contain caffeine and other stimulants. These are the things that may affect your heart rate (aside from caffeine): bitter orange, kola nut, coleus forskohlii, guarana, yerba mate, and yohimbine.

Of all the tips, the one that is most attractive is the 'eat frequently' part. For starters, roti kosong on a Sunday is just glorious!!

one true love

My alter-ego who is just across the room engrossed in his laptop sends me this e-mail he got from one of his friends in the States. I adore anecdotes like this:

THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT!

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. I had to share it with you all.

Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

time flies

A birthday just gone by and my usual flurry and hurry is happening - medical checks, promises to be kept, books to be read, compliments to be given, recipes to be done, places to be discovered, dreams to be realised... It would be nice to be young again. They say youth is wasted on the young - if we only knew what we know now! Then , we could have:

- realised early that financial handicap is not a hindrance, luxury is for a few, adventure is for everyone

- listened to our elders more like when they say 'eat your veges'; they mean well

- not messed too much with our hair; it gets very dry with abuse - straightening, bonding, perming, colouring - they are the culprits

- worn sunscreen

- not jogged on the hard pavement; the knees ultimately suffer

- not been reckless with our and others lives by being arrogant, jealous, disrespectful

- not worried too much about the future; events like aging and dying are part of living

- known that being emotionally mature means that there is no need for validation of your worth

- exercised more

- loved our parents more

Cliche or not - time flies. Live your life to the fullest.

avoiding the drama queens

How do you spot a drama queen? Being smart means being able to recognise the drama queen that sneaks into your life and before she makes demands and shows her fangs and claws and swallows you whole --- run and hide!!!!

What makes a drama queen? Bully OnLine gives this description:

"...every incident or opportunity, no matter how insignificant, is exploited, exaggerated and if necessary distorted to become an event of dramatic proportions. Everything is elevated to crisis proportions. Histrionics may be present where the person feels she is not the centre of attention but should be. Inappropriate flirtatious behaviour may also be present".

It is our prerogative, choose to "buy into it" or move away.

secrets of happiness

What makes you happy? I don't mean the euphoric-manic, fleeting, on and off feeling but the kind that's peaceful, serene and permanent even in the midst of troubles and misfortunes. I learned late in life the inverse proportion between happiness and my needs (including the need to be happy)...the less my needs are, the more that I can be happy. And learned that you can't look for happiness. It just sits still for you to embrace it.

Happiness comes from contentment, in giving (generous people are always a happy bunch) and acceptance of things that you cannot change. Optimistic people are happy people. They see a half-full cup rather than a half-empty cup. Happiness depends on how you resolve sticky situations in your life. It also is reliant on how well you can study people and their motives and intentions and choose your friends from among them.

Being able to forgive and forget is a secret to life-long happiness. "He who lives happiest has forgotten most" says Robert Anton Wilson. I agree. Being unforgiving, combative, hateful, envious, proud, greedy give way to disenchantment and discontent. It will only leave a gaping hole in one's heart and a disposition that's unsmiling, haughty and disrespectful.

Be less needy, generous, optimistic, forgive and forget, choose your friends - these are secrets to being happy.

getting lost in yoga

Finally, I went to yoga class. Today I brought along my old water bottle plus pre-conceived notions of yoga - of contorted bodies and vocal cords articulating the ommms. I also had anticipations of vertigo, of awkwardness and of pain.

Our teacher was a lady with a body that speaks of perfection - belly-less, biceps and triceps toned in a feminine way and an unbelievable suppleness. The room smelt of a spa - the one that lulls you into nothingness and then lets you dream of cascading waterfalls.

Yoga is serious stuff. I promised not to laugh.

The beginning poses were quite comfortable and soothed my aching body which was for a long time cheesecake-fed.

And then came the moment when I had to stand on one foot. I heard a grunt followed by a "snapping off from the socket" sound. Was I disconnecting some tissues in my body? Then, I performed several ballerina lunges and plunges involving thighs, legs, pointed feet and raised arms. Twenty minutes on and the body was yearning to quit but the mind persisted on. I could not leave, It was too embarrassing - there were a lot of bodies more aged than mine. They were balancing themselves beautifully.

Another ten minutes and I lost myself to yoga and contemplated to say my ommms (though everyone else was quiet and butterfly-like). I had a sense of accomplishment. I felt heady and healthy and wise. At home, still wearing my euphoria, I played "Wind Beneath My Wings" on the piano perfectly.

What a day!

birthdays

July was the birthday-est month for my family. The month started with my brother-in-law’s birthday, followed by two sisters-in-law, then my husband, my dear house help of twelve years (same day as the Sultan’s), a couple of nieces and then my brother. Birthdays always provided me with respite from work and other routines. The days become significant with plans for outings and of course, budgets for presents, cakes and other objects that give meaning to this milestone in life. Aside from giving fascination to the children in the family (immediate and extended), birthdays do provide us, adults, with thoughts of things beyond the mundane…thoughts of mortality perhaps, of aging parents and loved ones, of generous gestures to be reciprocated, of the missed, or those who are far from our hands’ reach.

On a lighter note, birthdays are always the happiest days of our lives. My immediate family has enjoyed our birthday parties for their naturalness in gaiety and giving; the painstaking preparations for food, flowers, hair (the girls’), and most appreciated of all - my husband’s loving keenness to make us – wife and children – happy. We’ve said this before and will say it again for the many years to come, happy birthday!

clouds

Writing sometimes is painful…gnawing and arthritic post recess. After being hit by a lull, I compose tidbits of words. They are my word clouds; my poems in pretense; they lift me up; they express my innermost feelings.


the nights are cold
the winds blow my facade
and I am left defenseless
i am back to my shell
a place of solace

the apple of my eye is sad
at eleven her world is imperfect
questions stirring the peace
i don’t have answers
i only have love

cross my heart
cross my fingers
there is a bright side
lo a silver lining we'll all
smile and laugh again

aging with grace

Have you been struck with thoughts of aging lately? Aging, in my opinion, is well...you can't stop the clock (in short).

My aunt who is part-Chinese has turned seventy, yet she looks like she just had her fortieth birthday. I asked her what sort of magic she did? Was it a face-lift? (Partly, yes, the eye region). Exercise? (Yes, all sorts. I remember her favourite, the "LA Walk". Go right, step,step,step.). Love/sex? (Everything to do with it!!!).

When the time to decide comes, it would be a no-no to surgery. Aside from religious qualms, its the blood and the gore that goes with it that is so unacceptable. I've seen a few of "Plastic Surgery" on TV. I always did turn my head away. Was that a garden hose suctioning liquid fat? The nurse did not bat an eyelid!!! Ughhh!!!

I know, there are several alternatives, to name a few: botox (heard there is a 'fatwa' against it), retin-A, lasers, lip plumpers, etc.

But don't forget---the natural ways: exercise, eating the right food, emotional balance, brain boosters, etc.

And here are some tips from beautiful women I know who are aging gracefully:

When you sleep, do it with your head elevated by several pillows, this way, you keep fluid from pooling around your eyes while you sleep.

Use sunscreen (quite bothersome, really).

Exfoliate, exfoliate! to remove dry flaky skin and then load yourself with moisturizers.

Appy a good foundation. It should match your skin colour. Too light a foundation helps to show the crows.

To avoid a "pulling down" effect, brush eyebrows towards the hairline and fill in with an eyebrow pencil or powder the colour of which should be a shade lighter than your hair.

Don't forget to SMILE!!! It's a natural face-lifter.